hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
