You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
