So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
