my soul wont recognize me after tonight
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
