If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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