Whats the glycemic index on semen?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
