We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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