9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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