I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
is that a dick in a sweater?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
