thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
