you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
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