So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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