We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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