I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i drank out of a bidet.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Randomize
