Only a mothe r could love this liver
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
