Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
