he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
