Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
