Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
