I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
