Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
