I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
