So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
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