True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
