I'm gonna have a badass scar
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
