and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
