We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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