haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
