i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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