i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
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