So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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