Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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