he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
