I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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