my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Randomize
