What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
