I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
