i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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