Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
