im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
