just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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