Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
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