Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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