The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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