: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
