I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
