You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
