Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
