Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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