I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Randomize
