We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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